(Written —with only one exception — from personal experience. #ofcourse AND #nojudgement)
Going around the room and saying what we’re thankful for is a thanksgiving day tradition in our house. And, to be clear, I’m thankful for many things. My health, my home, my kids, my parents, my niece and nephew, my new church family,… my best friends and — of course — my business and all the lives and hearts I get to intersect with on a daily basis through doing my soul work.
But, above all, I am so thankful for my Mister. We’ll be married 20 years in 2019 and he still rocks my world in every way. He still captures my imagination. He still is the object of my obsession. =) He is still my person. He is still my confidant. He’s still the one that loves me, touches me, in ways that I didn’t even know I craved. He’s just the one.
STILL, we went through some really (really) rough times in our marriage. Neither of us has ever had to endure the heartache and agony of a cheating spouse or anything “like that,” but we certainly battled some really tough spots.
Looking back on my own marital journey,
and listening to SO MANY women entrepreneurs
QUIETLY —
always shrouded in a bit of shame,
as my own marital struggles were (but shouldn’t have been)—
discuss their own struggles,
I recognize 7 KEY ways that women entrepreneurs (specifically) contribute to the decay of marriages that have so much potential.
# 1 WE WANT TO BE FULLY ACCEPTED & EMBRACED — AT EVERY STAGE — AS WE CONTINUE TO GROW AND EVOLVE AND EXPAND… BUT WE DON’T EASILY ACCEPT OUR HUSBAND’S SELF-DEVELOPMENT JOURNEY.
I found myself judging another woman entrepreneur recently… she was talking about how she left her husband because he just wasn’t evolving (fast enough.) She wanted a man who was EXACTLY IN SYNC with her in this area, AT ALL TIMES, NOW AND FOREVER MORE, I presume?
My judgement was shocking to me…
but maybe it shouldn’t have been.
Because this was a huge issue in my own marriage.
I married young. 22.
And I am ALWAYS changing… growing… developing… challenging myself.
I am very deliberate in the work of being the best ME I can be.
I seek to be different day to day.
Better tomorrow than I am today.
And Chris?
Well, not so much. =)
And to top it off,
as I was growing, evolving, being seen and appreciate in new ways professionally,
REALLY coming in to my own,
his own development had come to a screeching halt, due to depression.
I looked at him some times and wondered how he could even LIVE day to day without ever challenging himself or growing. Like how could we even CONTINUE TO BREATHE without growing at all? HOW could he stay so STUCK? So…. INFURIATINGLY the same?
Our arguments would always involve two accusations.
He accusing me of changing.
Me accusing him of NOT changing.
Both accusations 100% true.
And you know what?
I wanted him to be EVOLVED enough
MATURE enough
COMMITTED enough to love me,
in all my forms…
to love the woman who thought she wanted to be a stay at home mom…
to the woman who wanted to work from home,
be fully present with her kids,
and ALSO,
KICK ASS in the world of business.
I wanted him to love me AS I WAS.
Yet, I was not willing to embrace him as HE was.
The truth is, he WAS developing, growing, shifting…
but he was doing it more as a butterfly does it…
in a cocoon,
out of the sight of the world,
under the surface.
I didn’t see it,
because it didn’t look like my OWN growth.
But, he WAS growing.
I don’t believe EVERY marriage should stick it out. Certainly if there’s abuse of any kind, I want every woman to keep herself and her kids safe. But I am so grateful I stayed…
I am grateful that I stayed LONG enough to see ALL the growth that was happening beneath the surface.
Today, I know I’m “fun” to love vs. “easy” to love.
I change all the time in certain ways,
and I’m INFURIATINGLY the same in some really core ways.
Today, I know I am not only loved but CHERISHED
even as I shift and change and grow and evolve.
And he knows the same.
If i could go back in time,
I’d make a point to give HIM
exactly what I wanted SO BADLY for him to give me:
An acceptance of ME,
in all my forms….
and not childishly demanded or hoped that we’d somehow grow at the exact same pace, in the exact same ways, on the exact same time table.
#2 WE APOLOGIZE FOR OUR BUSINESS, AND MAYBE EVEN FOR OUR DRIVE.
I lived for so many years
with a few “dirty little secrets.”
The first of which,
is that I LOVED to work this business.
I looked forward to when the kid went down for a nap.
I wished they sleep LONGER.
Because I LOVED the hustle.
I rolled my eyes when they woke up sometimes…
and had to REMIND myself of WHY I was in business for myself in the first place:
to make these kids my TOP priority.
And yet…
my imagination constantly went back to business.
Sometimes when I was anxious about money.
But ALSO,
and MAINLY
because I LOVE this stuff.
I loved it so much, that I sometimes felt “guilty” about it. Mom guilt. Wife guilt. Not cleaning guilt. Not cooking guilt. Missing school deadlines guilt.
And I HID my business like a dirty little secret.
I had this WEIRD idea
and I have NO idea where it came from,
that my business should NEVER interfere with my family…
EVEN as it supported my family financially.
And so I worked in secret.
Everyone KNEW I was working, but I worked while THEY slept.
Maybe so they wouldn’t be “inconvenienced” by this little empire I was growing over here.
I don’t know WHY I did it,
but it depleted me.
I grew exhausted AND resentful.
And it cost my marriage
unnecessarily.
You see, Chris loves that I work.
Much of this guilt and hiding,
I put on myself.
If I could go back, I would have changed my wording… Mommy GETS to work. Can you watch the kids? I’m really excited to get some work done.
#3 WE STOP SHARING WINS AND LOSSES, FEARS AND HOPE ABOUT OUR BUSINESSES.
For women, we’re less “compartmentalized” than men.
So, when our businesses are SO MUCH a part of who we are,
if we’re not sharing that with our husbands,
it shortchanges our marriages.
In fact, even in friendships…
this can be an issue.
My business is SUCH a part of who I am,
that when we do not discuss it AT ALL,
I feel immediately less intimate, less close with you.
I’m married to what I call a “civilian.”
Meaning, he has a regular job.
Somewhere along the way, I stopped sharing my fears and anxieties about business. Part of this was I didn’t want HIM to worry. And I — frankly — couldn’t handle MY anxiety AND his at the time. So, I chose to keep him out of it entirely.
(Bad move, in retrospect. So much growth and unity could have been created in these moments and seasons.)
But I also,
stopped sharing the wins.
I thought he wouldn’t get it…
or I don’t know.
I just stopped sharing.
And it created a distance that we later had to rebuild.
Another woman entrepreneur today said he made the mistake of talking TOO Much about business. I guess the opposite of all wisdom is also true, here. Maybe a good balance is in order…
#4. WE IGNORE OUR HUSBANDS SEXUALLY.
To be transparent, this has never been the case in my home. It’s the only thing on this list that I’m NOT guilty of. The idea of NOT wanting to have sex… a LOT…. is foreign to me. I just don’t get it. I don’t get trying to “punish” him by taking sex off the menu. I don’t get using sex to get your way. I don’t get not wanting to do it. Like, WHO is THAT ambivalent towards sex? Like, “yeah… no. I’m good.”
Answer: a lot of women.
And a LOT of women entrepreneurs.
Which is why it made this list.
Perhaps the SEEDS of this “sex strike” are in the emotional distance created by the actions I described above…. I don’t know.
But sex is SO incredibly important in your marriage.
Even when Chris and I were emotionally distant,
even when we were broke as a joke,
and stressed beyond what is healthy…
we could take it all off,
let it all go,
for a bit…
in the bedroom.
For those precious moments,
he was just a man,
and I was just a woman.
Without sex, our marriage would NOT have survived those hard years.
So, if this is you…
I encourage you to revisit your view of sex.
To let go of whatever you need to let go of…
in order to grab hold of this gift.
# 5 WE THINK ABOUT HOW AMAZING IT WOULD BE TO BE MARRIED TO SOMEONE LIKE OURSELVES. =)
Guilty.
There have been many moments when I faulted Chris for not being MORE driven, MORE independent, MORE, you know… like me.
I imagined being married to someone who was EQUALLY PASSIONATE about his own entrepreneurial dreams.
And then, I came back to reality. I actually am GRATEFUL that we balance each other in this way. We compromise on so many things. But we don’t have to battle THIS one: Who’s business comes first?
There are MANY benefits
to me
and to my business
of being married to a civilian.
MANY.
And today, I can’t imagine being married to someone who’s drive matches or exceeds my own. I wouldn’t want to contend with that… and I am so grateful that Chris is the man he is… and can ENJOY being married to someone as driven as me.
#6 WE RESENT HIS CAREER CHOICE.
Gulp.
So incredibly guilty.
If I had a nickel for every time I said something like, “Yeah, I called in my substitute for the day, but she didn’t show,” it’d be like winning the big lottery.
Chris is a teacher. The TRUTH is..
when he calls in sick,
or when he needs to take off to take the kids to an appointment,
a substitute comes in,
does ALL his work for him,
and he comes back the next day never missing a beat.
The OTHER truth is,
when I’m sick or need to do something for the kids,
NO such substitute comes in for me.
Any work I miss,
is waiting patiently for me when I return. =)
The HIGHER TRUTH is…
we both chose our careers.
And we are BOTH very well suited for the careers we chose.
To be clear, I have ALWAYS supported Chris’ choice… from before we were married when I encouraged him to do what he wanted and not worry about the money… to today. I’m PROUD of his career choice. But I didn’t always show this to him. Sometimes when he was able to just leave work and not think about it until the next morning, I was resentful… not because of him and his choice, but because of mine.
Anyway, I wish I’d HONORED both of our choices more definitively in our early years.
#7 WE FORGET WE’RE IN A PARTNERSHIP.
I’ll be honest. Working with me (in business) is not SUPER DUPER FUN. No one would enter the Women Who WOW “head quarters” and mistake it for the happiest place on earth to work. It IS my way or the highway. THAT is the culture when you work here. Not proud of it… but also not really looking to change it. I AM a lone wolf. The FEWER people I work with, the better. For them.
And for me. =)
But at home, I’m in a partnership. I’ve struggled to this day with asking for help when I need it… with allowing him to partner with me… with accepting help… but mainly, with needing it.
This is one of the things that still haunts our marriage. I drive every train in my life at work. I make all the decisions. I own every consequence. The means AND the ends… all up to me. It’s hard to shut that mentality off and on. But, no excuses….
This is exactly what I need to do.
Do YOU have something you’ve learned that has helped you be a better spouse? Share it in the comments below.
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