This was about 18 months ago… so no worries now. BUT the words, “we are looking at a diagnosis of either Leukemia or Lymphoma” were — as they say in the south — doozies.
I went numb.
My son immediately started googling his diagnosis options and went instantly pale.
My (then) 6 foot son looked at me with pleading eyes…
his unspoken question, “MOM, am I going to be okay?”
All at the same time, I was:
💥 FURIOUS that a doctor would say these words in front of my child,
💥 Being painfully cognizant of my own reaction, because my son was watching me,
💥 Spinning… or maybe the room was spinning. I’m not sure which, but I lost my footing for sure.
💥 Focusing on the doctor who looked all of 15 years old and talked like a total “surfer dude” and wondering how THIS sort of conversation ends…
I have been in the “bad news room” in hospitals before, so I remember wondering why we weren’t taken to that room with the uncomfortable couches… and then, I asked calmly… with as much STEEL in my spine as I could muster:
“So, what’s next? What do we do from here?”
Somehow I drove to the Pediatric hospital and managed to get through the admissions process with some measure of efficiency… my inner world, ROCKED… My son in emotional turmoil and physical pain, which they would no longer treat until the diagnosis was made “official.”
These –by the way– are the moments you don’t really “talk through.” I couldn’t have put my thoughts into spoken form, and EVEN IF I COULD, I believe words have POWER… and so I would NOT have uttered what my mind was fearing, what my mind was processing.
The complete lack of pain relief for my son
went on for 3 DAYS and 2 LONG, DARK nights…
until the doctors had their answers.
BUT, I already had mine.
Somewhere once I got quiet and centered myself,
I went BACK to what I PERSONALLY knew to be true.
About my son.
About my God.
About health in general and our approach to it for his ENTIRE life.
About doctors.
About his symptoms.
Doctors can be wrong.
Tests can be wrong.
Diagnosis can be wrong.
And in this instance, I knew they were wrong.
And i KNEW it because once my world stopped spinning, i anchored myself to what I KNOW and BELIEVE.
This doesn’t mean there weren’t some really dark moments in the dead of night… when I was alone in that chair / bed… and fear popped in and gripped me by my chest so hard I forgot how to breathe. BUT… I kept returning…
to what i KNOW.
To what I BELIEVE.
To that which is always TRUE.
So, when the world was gripped by the fear of a virus,
forgive me for not participating.
Truly, I believe some people need to ACTUALLY forgive me for not sharing their same level of fear over the virus.
I sincerely hope some of you have forgiven me. I don’t want our varying approaches to this to get between us. I 100% believe your fear is valid for you… and I honor it.
It’s just that,
that sort of fear is not in me.
I cannot muster it.
I physically can not call it forth.
For me, that sort of thing literally doesn’t exist.
It’s not because I’m ignorant.
I’m VERY educated about health.
I’m also VERY anchored in my approach to health.
EVEN when the doctors,
even when MY doctors
disagree.
Now, when the world is reeling because the WHO or CDC
or their chosen doctors,
or the celebrated doctors
or the censored doctors …
are changing their approach,
or admitting they were wrong…
forgive me for not being confused or dismayed.
I never listened to them in the first place.
I never have.
PLUS, the whole thing about this situation… is that it was a “Novel” virus, right???? We WOULD expect people / scientists / doctors to find out MORE as they study it, to have new revelations, to have SOME theories proven true and some prove false. This is no hoax or conspiracy, guys. THIS is how science works. It’s what happens when NEW phenomenon is being studied.
So, when it comes to my business, or life, or country…
many wonder why I SEEM relatively “un-phased” by this, that or the other.
It is NOT that I don’t have dark nights of the soul,
I absolutely do.
Moments where I go numb, into resistance or even into RAGE.
Of course I do.
But I ALWAYS come back to my beliefs.
About myself.
About people.
About life.
About eternity.
About health.
About prosperity.
About the world and its cycles.
And RIGHT THERE
at the intersection
where my beliefs face my current circumstances,
is where fear is defeated for me,
and replaced with fervor.
Every
Single
Time.
So, do you STILL believe what you USED to post about on facebook? About accepting others? EVEN the ones who don’t think, act, vote, post, or worship like you? Do you STiLL believe in personal responsibility? Do you STILL believe that MOST people are good to their core? Do you STILL believe in your ability to CREATE your reality? Do you STILL believe in us all being connected at a cosmic level… about universal consciousness?
If so, woman… come back to it.
It’s THE anchor you’re looking for right now.
It doesn’t make the waves go away…
It doesn’t remove the need for you to steer the ship,
sometimes with MUSCLE & GRIT baby.
But it makes the ride more enjoyable
and the ship more stable…
for you and for others,
for the long haul.
