I remember teaching parenting classes…
before I was a parent.
(Side note: SHAME on my audience,
they never asked me! And frankly, I was SO ignorant that I may NOT have even gotten the “irony” of the situation. After all, I had a DEGREE in this stuff! #shakingmyOWNhead )
I remember some other things too.
Some TRULY shameful
and small
and safe
choices
judgements
decisions
I’ve made in business….
all in the name of WISDOM.
I don’t deal in regret,
but in total honestly,
I can scarcely type this post
without that dreadful feeling threatening to
creep up from my gut right to my heart.
I typically push it aside,
you know…
No Shame in My Game
and all of that.
But today, as I prepare for a training,
I feel it afresh.
Like a near death experience,
all of the decisions I’ve made
the lies I’ve told myself (and others)
in the name of “wisdom”
are flashing through my mind.
The decisions I made
— to hold back,
to press pause,
to not respond,
to not show up,
to play it safe,
to pretend I didn’t want more,
to not just play small, but STAY small —
when opportunities were LITERALLY chasing me down…
The choices I made…
to put my kids in front of my business,
to put my marriage first,
to be a “good wife” and a “good mom”…
were ALL consistent choices I could (and WOULD)
still be proud of…
IF ONLY
they were choices that TRULY
EVER
had to be made in the first place.
Which they did not.
And therein lies the rub, I guess.
I made choices that I never had to make.
I shut down avenues of success that I’d custom created…
because I was AFRAID that success,
that WILD success
would “cost me” the things that matter most:
my faith, my family, my marriage.
So, I “chose.”
Let’s be honest,
there is AMPLE evidence that what I was fearful of
could and DID happen.
I see a TON of successful women (and men, of course) with one or more “failed” marriages in their wake… plenty who (when you REALLY see behind the curtain) are frantic and frazzled and BARELY keeping up… living off of adrenaline and pretense…
And I am certainly not willing to go that route.
Not ever.
But, who said I had to?
I mean, seriously…
there are ALSO a lot of UNsuccessful women (and men) with one or more “failed” marriages in their wake…. plenty of POOR people who are frantic and frazzled and barely keeping up… living off of adrenaline and pretense.
These stories…
about money,
about success,
about our “dream life,”
about reality,
about hard work,
about ALL OF IT…
are often SO ingrained in us,
we don’t even recognize their ABSURDITY…
we never take the time to CHALLENGE them.
Back to that feeling creeping up to my heart…
the dread I have of even putting the REAL words
the TRUEST words
onto the page,
for ANYONE to see…
But ESPECIALLY those who have known me a long time.
Because they will remember
the words
I used to say…
to them,
— but mainly to myself—
that I’m getting ready to admit
were ALL lies.
Here goes:
The declarations that I never wanted to be well known.
That I didn’t desire HUGE success…
That I was JUST FINE being a best kept secret,
that I didn’t have DAY DREAMS of so much more…
all of it was lies.
Looking back, I do believe I’d convinced MYSELF of this B.S.
I THINK I even believed it. (??)
- I had pushed down the “knowing” I’d had since I was a little girl… since I first heard my name announced as I walked across the stage in my first pageant.
- I’d pushed down that INDESCRIBABLE feeling I had when I took the stage to sing Daddy’s Hands. (I can’t sing. Like, a lick. But I rocked the audience that day. I transported them to a country western honky tonk bar. I was 14. Maybe 13.)
- I had deliberately turned a cold shoulder to that utter KNOWING that the world would know my name one day.
- I tried (unsuccessfully) to hide the parts of me that were so different… that were so outrageously different.
To some degree,
I pushed down the fighter, the warrior, the Do-er… in me.
The hard truth is, “the river beneath the river”
for me
are turbulent waters.
I have a very healthy respect for it, for myself…
for what i am capable of…
for where I come from,
for ALL the possibilities, good and bad.
And I will always honor THIS part of who i am,
temper it… reign it in.
But even still…
I made choices I never had to make.
I chose RIGHT
when I never had to choose at all.
And when i stare it in the eye today…
when I REALLY look at it,
the reality is that I chose out of cowardice and fear.
I chose out of some conditioned — and absolutely false— beliefs, that I never took the time to challenge.
I’d convinced myself that I couldn’t be AN example,
THE example, maybe
of a woman entrepreneur
who created WILD success…
entirely on her own terms,
without EVER sacrificing the things she held most dear.
And in doing so,
I shut down a part of me that
thank God
would NOT be silenced forever.
Little by little, she started rising up,
challenging things,
testing things…
and then FINALLY telling fear to take a back seat. =)
Little by little,
I started admitting that not only did I WANT wild success,
on my own terms,
but that I would NOT stop until this is EXACTLY what I created for myself.
And little by little,
this is EXACTLY what I created.
I am typing this from my back deck in a little town on the coast of NC. I RARELY travel. I work from home. Alone. And I have a VERY small team. All of this is my preference.
what do I do?
I show up as Michelle.
I pour my heart out online,
creating a community — a home, a sisterhood, a blueprint — for women like me, women who were NOT born for small, women who KNOW
somehow
that they were born for more,
born to lead,
born to influence.
If you are ready to ditch the excuses,
stop the lies,
silence the fear,
and FINALLY see the results you’ve been DREAMING of in your business….
message me.
Today.
